Sunday, December 28, 2008

Things I need to remember

Live life, and don't let Resistance stop you from following your dreams.
Don't sell yourself short.
Don't waste your time being angry or frustrated.
Don't change to please someone else.
Be frugal and live within your means.
The Game Theory.
Search out true friends- you'll be able to tell the real ones from the fake ones.
Don't ever compromise something important to you and your morals.
Make the most of your talents and abilities.
Family is most important- work towards my own some day.
Exercise and eat healthy and you will have the body of a model.
Keep your promises.
Tell the truth always.
Give everything a chance, and be open to change and experiments.
Always say please and thank you... and mean it. Be grateful.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Baby, it's cold outside.

Twilight rant to myself.

I finally gave in to the squealy girl inside of me and saw Twilight.

Not bad, and not awesome. Okay.

Though critical about the books, I have read them all. You may be wondering why, and I can only explain that I was attracted to one aspect of them. The writing may be terribly mushy, extremely unprofessional, and unrealistic, but there was something about the storyline that called to me. I've come to realize, after thinking about it, that it was Bella. The heroine, the scintillating beauty... who thinks she is completely normal and deserves to get no attention from others. I felt a little glimmer of something inside of me, that part of me that wishes to fade into the background and just be left alone...

And then she finds Edward and blah blah blah... Mr. Right, Mr. Perfect, Mr. The Only One For Me. And she falls madly in love.

Love is a funny thing. You find yourself doing crazy unexplainable things for its sake. You find yourself completely engrossed in someone... in their little habits, their idiosyncrasies, their quirks. And you can't imagine your life apart from them.

All Bella says when Edward mentions the danger of being with a vampire, is "Don't leave me." He promises to stay with her forever. Then suddenly, when she is put in danger, he feels guilty. He changes his mind, and does "the right thing". He leaves. Nothing could be less right for her.

It was right then that I felt the connection to Bella. She is clutching her stomach like something has been literally ripped out of her body, stumbling blindly. She is dead inside. She can't believe he would leave her.

I know the situation well. Right when I get to know someone, they leave. Every time, my chest hurts, and I find it hard to swallow. Every time I think they'll come back. And every time I want to yell at them, "Don't leave me. Don't you dare leave me."

The movie, I thought, was a bit over the top, but I felt that connection when Bella whispers for Edward not to leave. And that is why I can't ignore the fact that I enjoyed the movie. It was nice to see someone stay for a change... I just wish it wasn't a stupid shiny vampire. How impractical :)

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Free association.

I am lonely.

Obviously, as I am writing this instead of going out and having a good time, there could be no other explanation. Right? Or maybe it's just my emo side showing through-my cry for attention. Or maybe my lack of much social contact during this summer? There could be a few other explanations for my random spurt of blogging, but one thing is for certain.

I am lonely.

I have tried to escape this crushing feeling, with much success. But there are days like this, where I wake up from the most wonderful dreams, to find my reality... well... slightly less perfect. A bit more monotonous. But not only that- I could deal with the boredom and every day drudgery of a nine to five- I have somehow managed to convince myself that there's some kind of hope. I felt it on Monday, when I woke up from the only good dream I've had in over six months. It wasn't much- just he and I joking, cuddling, laughing, smiling... but it was so casual and so so real. I woke up with a huge smile on my face, ready to face the day no matter what came, because he was there. But he wasn't there. He didn't call or text, didn't visit our love cloud to say hello. Not a word. There hasn't been a word for a few weeks. Maybe I'm selfish for wanting more-for wanting acknowledgement. I know I shouldn't feel this way-he's on a mission to serve the Lord and he doesn't need any distraction. But MY FREAK it hurts sometimes, and it blows my mind that the "unfeeling cortni" can admit it. I guess it should be a good thing to admit- feeling any sort of feeling is always a comfort. The sharp pain connects me to this piece of world, to the frail connections of human relationships. The weird part is mine and Josh's connection- to call it frail would be a lie. I only knew him for a few months and I can already picture exactly what he would be doing right now. I have never felt for anyone else the intense feeling of love and belonging that I feel for him.

But there's more to the juicy story- another love, another home-wrecking nightmare, another savior, another dirty deed. Maybe what I'm feeling is not loneliness at all, but a divine inspiration to write again. To put my dramatic lines into phrases, into sentences, until all is lost in the labrynth of paragraphs (double or singly spaced, you see) But why put them in when i could fake it? Take some lyrics from here and there until the words start to blur...

It takes a crane to build a crane
It takes two floors to make a story
It takes an egg to make a hen
It takes a hen to make an egg
There is no end to what I'm saying

It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
And it takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction

It takes a night to make it dawn
And it takes a day to make you yawn
And it takes some old to make you young
It takes some cold to know the sun
It takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
And it takes some fears to make you trust
It takes some tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to HAVE it polished

It takes some silence to make sound
And it takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to MAKE a mountain

Life is wonderful.

It's an eternal circle, with the beginning racing to the end, with the end waiting to begin. Or maybe just to never end? Does life lean more towards ending or beginning? People must die, but they must also live. Which brings me to my next point: You are the music while the music lasts.

Music doesn't have to end either. Put a repeat sign at the end with no coda and BAM! You've got Row Row Row your Boat. I will row my boat merrily down the stream. And when I can not face that chipper stream, I will stick my pole into its calm waters until I fish for a dream to hold on to. For a sweet reality, a sweet moment... anything to calm the waters of my troubled heart. It thuds as we speak, like it knows and is nervous. Nervous about the next day and what it will bring. Nervous of how this twisted complicated life will end up. Then again, the heart beats as long as it can take it- until the end. Maybe that is why we compare it to the feeling of love we all have inside- the heart is essential to our survival. Sometimes our hearts fail, because we did not take good enough care of them. Love can die, love can be lost, evaporated. But do not treat love like it is an object you can bottle up. Love is a VERB- to love someone. Only when you realize that, will you truly be able to understand what I'm trying to say. If there is something to be said at all. I'm sure you'll find a way.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008


I am in love. With the most fantastic boy on the planet. And we started talking for the first time last Monday! His name is Josh Lohner (Thank goodness for the Power of H! Haha) and he is my soulmate. He makes me happier than any other guy I've met in my entire life! He gives me sqweenchies like no one else can. He says the nicest things to me whether I deserve them or not. We waltzed in the parking lot. He makes the most beautiful music I've ever heard on his violin (and viola.. haha!) This all happened so fast, I have no idea what to do. But maybe that's the point. Not knowing. Just feeling happy! I haven't felt this happy in such a long long long time... maybe ever never. Being happy. It's refreshing. It's glorious! I feel so much happiness right now I might just burst!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Growing Up

Me and Cailie got into a discussion today, about growing up. The argument is as follows: children who are forced to make grown up decisions earlier will get in more trouble at an earlier age. She used the example of herself, asking for a doll when she was 10 years old, and her cousin asked for a digital camera. Cailie's aunt shook her finger at her mom and told her that her daughter needed to grow up. A few years later, the cousin was 20 and pregnant twice already.

This is kind of an exaggeration of what could happen. But who's to say? I have a friend, a very sweet girl, I met in the FA building. I wondered who she was constantly, and finally got to know her. I found out that she was taking lessons from Professor, being homeschooled, and was about 13. This blew me away. She acted with the maturity of a college student... I also began to notice that she didn't bring any friends around. Becuase she spent all of her time in this building, dedicating herself to this piano program, she didn't know any other life. All of her friends are college students. Now, I am not saying there is anything wrong with being homeschooled or dedicated to piano, or not having many friends. But she is a charming girl. She is funny, outgoing, and beautiful, and has so much potential. I just am sad to see her forced to grow up so quickly. She is taught to act at least 5 years older than she is... and with no background experience of school and other activities, how is she even to know how a regular 13 year old would act in certain situations? To watch her struggle through this world with no one her age to relate to, and no other social activities to participate in, is hard.

I also had a friend growing up who had a similiar issue. She was an only child, put into a world of adults and adult behaviors. Naturally, she was very mature for her age. She thought she had it all planned out: which college to go to, how to run her life, who to date, what she liked... yet on a whim, she could completely change her mind. When she started feeling her life was too structured, she began to plead and cry out for the child side of her. Then she would suddenly become reckless and childish to compensate for her fears of growing up. She is happy and contently married now, but I still wonder if she was forced to make these grown up decisions before she was ready.

I am not trying to say that anything these people do is inappropriate. I very much love all of these people... I just feel very strongly that people need to act their age sometimes. We dont need to walk about not being mature, but we can certainly give responsibility a break every once and a while. We can mingle with others our own age, and take part in experiences that help us grow. Growing up is a learning process, and if we don't get it line upon line, or fill in the gaps, we will be limited.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008


Hello, and greetings from the FA building... the only place I can call home these days. I spend most of my days here. As I type this, a girl is sitting next to me on the couch, tuning her guitar. I can hear the pounding of piano keys all around me... it's the busiest time of the day for practicing. Every once and a while, people will walk by, laughing or talking about the idea of rotation, who's playing Greig's Concerto, what Professor said earlier that day about Horowitz...

This is my life.

This is my home. Music is the only thing that I feel passionate about these days. All the troubles and worries in my life fade away when I completely let go of myself for a few hours and just PLAY. Playing is my salvation, playing is my escape, making music is the only thing that makes sense. When my world is out of control, all I need is the Beethoven room. All I need is to feel the soft keys and vibration of the strings below me. All I need to is to play.